I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
