I wish I only lived at night.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
