What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
