I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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