The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
