smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
