I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
