I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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