I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
