it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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