life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
