cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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