I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
