hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
