my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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