It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
