I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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