You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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