I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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