A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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