My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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