dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
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