I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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