Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize