I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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