I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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