that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
