I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
