No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
