plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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