im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize