I just saw a hot homeless man
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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