Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
