This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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