I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
