he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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