if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We just shotgunned beers for America
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
