Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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