It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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