Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i think my cat just said my name.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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