Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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