Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
