Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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