Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
