I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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