Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
