Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
