why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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