now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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