Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
