new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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