so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
