pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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