i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So many bounce houses so little time
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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