the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize