RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
