working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
