dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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