i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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