I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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