I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
