every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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