we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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