I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
