Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
