my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
