My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
