when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
