we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
