My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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