did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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