Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
